A Single Perspective: Stop the Pity

As often happens, my thoughts lately have been dwelling on how I as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints can live a more fully happy life. And, as is often the case, many times I find single members of the church and married members of the church have a very different view of what happiness in the gospel means.  My experience is that the majority of single members do not feel they can live a fully happy life under that category of single as a marital status, and married members do not feel single members can have a full and happy life, and the culture has got to change. Now this may be a huge generalization, but it's my single perspective. In the church in the Austin area, 50% of the adult membership is made up of single people, and a good majority of those are less active. Those are the facts, a huge population who is not feeling a part of the grand plan of salvation.  My opinion is that both married and single members alike are to blame for misconceptions of what it means to be single AND a faithful covenant keeping member. As if one is exclusive of the other. A married friend of mine recently told me that if he was single and 31, he would find it hard to go to church.  How is it that my marital status should determine my ability to renew my covenants by partaking of the sacrament? How is it that my marital status should determine my ability to answer questions in Sunday School, give a talk, or lead sharing time in the Primary?

We have a doctrine of the eternal importance of the family units. The Family, A Proclamation to the World, tells us,

"the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children"

and 

"Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally."

I believe this wholeheartedly. The doctrine will never be changed and we are all striving towards a pattern. 

The misconception is that if we are not living in this united family on earth NOW, then we are  doing something wrong and can't possibly be happy in mortality. 

This is false. This misconception leads to pity- pity from married members and pity by single members for themselves. Being single is not second rate, or a lesser path, or a path to be pitied or scared of.  Oh the pity.  We singles often beg for it, and can shoot ourselves in the foot because we want to be like everybody else and yet we expect special treatment. I am so tired of the pity. Compassion and sympathy for unmet hearts desires, yes. There is nothing about my life that should be pitied. Married people have plenty of unmet heart's desires they are in want of too.  

When Elder Von Keech visited the Austin, Texas Stake he held a morning devotional for Singles Adults ages 31 and older. He taught us about the doctrine of timing.  He turned to Doctrine and Covenants 88:67-68

 67 And if your eye be single to my glory, your whole bodies shall be filled with  light and there shall be no darkness in you; and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things. 

 68 Therefore, sanctify yourselves that your minds become single to God, and the days will come that you shall see him; for he will unveil his face unto you, and it  shall be in his own time, and in his own way, and according to his own will.

The opportunities afforded us in this life are done in this manner- the Lord's timing. In his own time, and in his own way, and according to his will. 

Elder Keech went on to teach us that when it comes to God's standing on marriage, the standard is the same for both men and woman. He said you are "only required to put yourself in a position to find an eternal companion when the time is right".  WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT. (And when the time is right just might not be in mortality. It can be a bitter pill to swallow, but I hope not one that automatically makes us bitter and resentful.)  He said the culture of the church is: mission, college, marriage, children, and all done by the age 22. However, he said the Lord's way is "in his own time, and in his own way, and according to his will".  He also taught that how we deal with life while waiting for questions such as when, and to whom to be answered is much more important then the answers themselves.  God is giving me the life I need now to become what I need to become. 

Sister Julie Beck said, 

"We did not fight a war in heaven to be single eternally. We did not sign up for only part of the program. We signed up for the whole plan- to make covenants, to be sealed eternally and have posterity in the eternities. We do not abandon true principles while we are waiting for our blessings." 

While it feels like I have to wait a long time for a posterity, I do not have to wait for happiness now.  I know most any married couple will tell you happiness did not enter into their life only in the moment they were sealed at the alter in the temple and then stayed blissful every day after. Happiness is a choice we make. It is my greatest desire to be married, but I do not have to wait for that day to happen to be happy and fulfilled. 

It is my joy to take a 2 year old out for ice cream, and then return her to her mom for the other 23 hours in a day.

it is a joy to run a 5K on an early Saturday morning, just to I can eat yummy food afterwards.

It is a joy to set my alarm for 2am so I can meet my Muslim friend at Kerby Lane Cafe for sahoor (Ramadan breakfast) and eat lemon poppy seed pancakes and drink hot chocolate (yes buried under that mountain of whipped cream).

And it's a joy to make a fool of myself in the new opportunity to serve in the Primary (the children's organization) and be given the charge to help bring the children unto Christ. 


I plead with the member of the church both single and married, let's change the culture. Let's stop the pity for ourselves or for others. Let's fight the good fight, and finish our course, and happily keep the faith!