Forty and Fierce!

This week I turn 40. 

Here I am at 30, and here I am at 40.  

I thought it would be fun to post a few pictures for every year in my 30's... 

30 years old (technically just shy of 30 here) - 2010

30

Winning the Student PTA of the Year award. (I really liked that shirt)

31

32

33 

34

On a patient's Ducati in his garage. 

35

36

37

38

39

Almost 40... 

 

Why I will not say "All Lives Matter"

I've spent a good amount of thought this week trying to wrap my head around the protests and the senseless and tragic deaths of Black people in America. I see my black friends saying, "Black Lives Matter", and I see some of my white friends responding with "All Lives Matter". 

A few months ago I got a speeding ticket. I was going the normal speed limit, in a school zone just before school had let ou,t but within the school zone time. It was my fault, but when the flashing lights of the police car, waiting just 50 feet before the school zone ended, went off I was so annoyed. I went to a patient's home earlier that day and the nurse showed up the same time as me, so I let her stay and went to see another patient first. The ticket occurred as I was driving to that patient for a second time in one day. None of that really matters, what matters is I sat in my car so mad, so annoyed when the officer walked up to my car. I gave quick responses to the officer and was probably not very nice. The point is, I could afford to be somewhat snappy with the police officer, because I am a white female. I never once feared for my safety or for my life. 

I've gathered here a few of the photos I've seen this week that sum up for me just what the message is all about. It's ignorant and condescending for me to say, "But All Lives Matter". While I was running around Lady Bird Lake yesterday I saw a t-shirt that said, "But you didn't die". That was the moment I decided I needed to formulate my thoughts and make then known. 

Black Lives Matter

"It's not an either/or proclamation. When there is a crisis we have always rallied around that particular group. It doesn't discredit or diminish any other group it just brings awareness and support to the group that needs attention."

They Hushed Their Fears

64 days ago I stopped going to the gym. 64 days ago, COVID-19 caused people to start sheltering in pace in the Austin area. 64 days ago I though in 6-8 weeks life would start feeling normal again. Well, 64 days later, bars have opened up on Austin's famous 6th street, the gym is open again, and I could go eat at Chuys if I wanted to, but all at weirdly reduced capacity and with masks encouraged. I'm choosing to wait a few weeks and see how this "reopening" goes before I start doing more then grocery shopping, Lowe's (green therapy is saving me), and go-to from my favorite places to eat. I'm still working, which means if I am careless, I can expose patient's who trust me to take precautions as I enter the homes of the homebound.  64 days later life certainly does not feel normal. I long to hug all my church friends. I wish I could go worship in the temple.  

About 2 weeks ago I hit my 2nd emotional breaking point. The first one took place at the end of my first week wearing double masks to work. It was, and still mostly is, emotionally jarring to look at myself in the mirror and shudder seeing myself in a mask. We communicate so much with our whole faces. Sure, we can "smile" with our eyes, but at the same time, that's just something we tell ourselves to feel better. Our faces light up with smiles.  It was also really hard that first week to not know really how much risk I was to my patient's when I visited them, or how much at risk I was. My fervent prayer every morning was, "please help me keep my patient's safe, and to keep myself safe". Since those first few weeks I haven't felt fearful of what COVID-19 could do to me.  I'm not saying I'm invincible, but I just found a way to prayerfully go forward with the attitude of, "I can just do the best that I can". Still, it was emotionally exhausting. Even though my visit load at work dramatically decreased, less visits still felt like a lot because there was so much more responsibility that came with it.  There have been days when I envy those in a more truer lockdown, home all day, posting on social media about being in PJs and not knowing when they last showered. Well 2 weeks ago, I hit another emotional wall. I had been emotionally preparing for 6-8 weeks of crazy, and here we were approaching 6-8 weeks and the country seems more divided then ever, no end in sight, and no real solutions other then "stay home". It was all so hard to bear. Fear was creeping back in, and the world started to look hopeless. 

And just as if it was divinely timed, my study in the Book of Mormon of Mosiah chapters 18-24 began. Here I found words for my prayers again. Here I found encouragement to shut out fear. 

And just as if it was divinely timed, my study in the Book of Mormon of Mosiah chapters 18-24 began. Here I found words for my prayers again. Here I found encouragement to shut out fear. There are two main groups of people in these chapters. First you have the people of Limhi who had terrible leaders, and when those terrible leaders fled because their city was being attacked, they ended up being in captivity of another group of people (the Lamanites) who tax them to death. They were humbled and turn to God. 

"15 And now the Lord was slow to hear their cry because of their iniquities; nevertheless the Lord did hear their cries, and began to soften the hearts of the Lamanites that they began to ease their burdens; yet the Lord did not see fit to deliver them out of bondage.

16 And it came to pass that they began to prosper by degrees in the land, and began to raise grain more abundantly, and flocks, and herds, that they did not suffer with hunger."

The phrase that stuck out to me is that the "Lord did hear their cries " and their burdens were eased, even though they were not immediately delivered from bondage. 

The second group is the people lead by Alma (related to the Limhi group). This group of people converted to righteousness after believing the words of a prophet. They were baptized and fled from the wicked leaders who wanted to kill them. Unfortunately they were also caught into bondage the Lamanites and were almost wiped out.  

Mosiah 23- 

27 But Alma went forth and stood among them, and exhorted them that they should not be frightened, but that they should remember the Lord their God and he would deliver them.

28 Therefore they hushed their fears, and began to cry unto the Lord that he would soften the hearts of the Lamanites, that they would spare them, and their wives, and their children.

29 And it came to pass that the Lord did soften the hearts of the Lamanites.

They were counseled to remember God, and then the hushed their fears. It doesn't say that God hushed or took away their fear, but rather they had to hush their fears, and then cried to the Lord to deliver them. 

I saw this as an analogy to the pandemic.  I started to pray again  for deliverance from bondage of the pandemic, and while waiting for that deliverance, asked God that my burdens, and the burdens of my family (some members dealing with anxiety and depression) would be made light. I also had to hush my fears. 

As I've continued to pray for deliverance from the bondage of the pandemic, and tried to hush my fears, I have seen my burdens be lighter. 

I hush my fears by finding ways to serve. I do that by baking homemade zucchini bread (from home grown zucchini in my garden) and taking to to various patients and neighbors of mine. 

I hush my fears by hushing others fears. My niece and nephew started to express sadness over the "stupid coronavirus", so they got a group sleep over and one-on-one play dates with me.  How can your burdens not be light with these super cool little humans? 

 

My burdens were made light by having a friend mail me a mask she made out of material that reminded her of my blog title, "Bloom Where You Are Planted". 

My burden was made light by realizing what a beautiful and long Spring we had in Austin, Texas. We really had some great weather. (Stark contrast to how it has felt the past few days, the humidity showed up!)

My burden is made light by making time to exercise at home, even after a long exhausting day. Thank goodness for Les Mills On Demand! 

 My burden is made light be serving my family. 

Life may very well not be "normal" for a few years. It's heartbreaking and hard, but I will keeping praying for deliverance, and while in bondage of the pandemic, God will lighten our burdens. 

Fifth Half Marathon

April 11th, 2020 was suppose to be my fifth Half Marathon, the Outlaw race in Luckenbach, Texas. Due to the thing we call COVID-19, it was of course "cancelled". I was disappointed they did not give us refunds, instead mailed us our shirts and medals and said to do a virtual race by the end of the month. I was kinda angry about it for awhile. March 21st I had a really good 10 mile training run around Lady Bird Lake, then the next week they asked the crowds lighten up on that trail, and I decided to comply. I kept training in my neighborhood, but I hate neighborhood running for long run. Sidewalks hurt my joints. I realize the irony in that most of my races have all been on cement. I'm the runner that enjoys the treadmill as much as a soft packed gravel trail. Lady Bird is my favorite because is has a boardwalk, a variety of terrain, and has a lot of shade. So I kept training and it was making me more and more cranky.  Last weekend, after a slow 8 mile run in my neighborhood, I decided I had to either go run my Half virtually, or take a break. Well this girl decided on - Run it! But where? Running 13 miles in my neighborhood just sounded gross.  Then I read an update on Lady Bird Lake.  The weekend after Easter it became a one-way loop going clock-wise. They also decreased the amount of parking around downtown. All of this to keep the trail open, but decrease the crowds, and allow for social distancing. My parents offered to drive me so I wouldn't have to worry about parking. The race was back on!

Friday night, April 24, I gathered my supplies. I felt mentally prepared, and ready to run the next day.

My parents picked me up at 6:30 am Saturday morning. By 6:50 am, on the Southshore near the beginning of the boardwalk, east of I-35, I started my "race". It was 61 degrees. I had an idea of where I would end and planned on texting my parents to find them to pick me up. They had another thing in mind. At mile 1.5 I was nearing the Congress Bridge and much to my surprise in a business parking lot near the trail, were my parents. They were cheering and taking photos. It sure boosted my spirits. It was highly motivational and fun to see them every 3 or 4 miles as they followed my route. I don't know if I would have had the same attitude running the whole thing without them there supporting me.


I have never been a fast runner, I can go about 9:30 minute miles while running, but with some walking every mile or so, I'm about a 10/10:30 mile pace average.  I had my belt with 18 ounces of water/gatorade, 2 GUU, and thankfully I did not need to make any bathroom breaks.

The first hour of my race the trail was pretty empty.  I never really had trouble keeping 6 feet of space from others enjoying nature.

After I competed the loop, I had 3 miles to go. My last race in October 2019, my right hip gave me a lot of trouble the last 4 miles or so. Not a problem here. No hip pain.

My "finish line" was near the small bridge just before Lamar that you cross over to head to Zilker Park. My parents were at that point a 1/4 mile further down the trail.  No fan fair of a finish line, just my good ole Running GPS app. I have to say it felt great to reach the end. All 13.1 miles were a battle, but a fight I enjoyed.  2 hours, 17 minutes, and 46 seconds!  I had decided I would just be happy to do it in less then 2.5 hours. Mission accomplished!

I met my parents and they presented me my medal, which doubles as a cool belt buckle.

Much to my surprise, Michael and Emily also came to join the post race party. We met at a picnic table at Zilker. We walked down to the water to see the turtles. I felt so much love! I had received text messages of support during the race too.

If you know me, you know I'm all about looking my cutest in every situation. These photos are not what I call cute. At first glance I don't love how I look in them. I see red-face and double chin, and just looking kind of gross. But at a second glance, I see a woman I am proud of. I see someone strong and determined, and as someone recently told me, I have grit to do hard things. 

Here's to doing hard things!