"Why are ye so fearful? How is it that ye have no faith?"

Recently I threw myself a giant pity party. I attended a "Singles" event that sent me home in tears. I won't go into the details of that, but I've got plenty to say on a personal level as you read on.

After the event I got home and put on my comfy pj's. I got out peanut M&M's and a peanut butter cup and smashed the life out of them. My sweet mom said, "what are you doing?", my reply, " crushing candy to put over some ice cream".  I'm sure she was referring to the force to which I was smashing the candy, but I didn't want to start crying by talking. Then I watched a few Gilmore Girl's episodes. When my parents had gone to bed, I let the crying come. I'm talking big tears and inconsolable sobbing. Just before midnight after deciding that crying was stupid and I couldn't breathe of out my nose, I washed my face then laid down and tried to go to sleep. As the clock struck midnight I heard a faint- "beep beep beep, beep beep beep". My lost watch! I popped out of bed and ran down the hallway listening for what room the sound came from. I suspected the TV room recliner had eaten it, but the sound came from the bathroom. It stopped when I got there but I knew it was in the bathroom. I started opening up drawers. Finally, in a basket of hair accessories under the sink, my watch was found!

The next morning with a dull, tender heart, I started reading the Sunday School lesson. In Mark 4:36-41 is the account of Jesus asleep on the boat and being awoken in the storm by the distraught disciples. He calms the sea and in verse 40 he says, "Why are ye so fearful? How is it that ye have no faith?"

It spoke to me. How is it that I let fear wipe out the good things? The day before consisted of a great workout at my favorite class with my best friend, followed by a DELICIOUS brunch with my best friend, followed by 2 hours of holding a teeny tiny baby. Seriously, not too shabby of a day.

Back to the watch. There I was crying, praying for peace, and yet my pride was actually preventing me from feeling peace and being comforted. When I finally was still, I heard my watch alarm. As I've thought about this I've come up with two lessons. One, seeing as it was a watch, "It will all come to pass in my timing, not your timing". Two, it was as if my Heavenly Father told me- no, I can't give you what you are really asking for right now, but I'm in the details, see, here is your lost watch. Why are ye so fearful? How is it that ye have no faith?

I'm missing hope right now. I'm seeing a future that I desire fade. Where is that faithful husband who will raise kids with me? Thankfully I know that fear does not come from a loving God, and what I'm feeling I can almost entirely blame on fear. 

Why are ye so fearful? How is it that ye have no faith?

Yesterday was a top notch Women's Conference.  The topic was hope. I seriously walked away thinking- duh, life is hard, so what? It is still joyful when you have hope.

2 Nephi 31:20
Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.

I need to find and hold on tightly to hope.

Luckily, this week was full of my path crossing the likes of Jamie Peterson, Heather Larsen, Jessica Wyeth, Rachel Knight, Margaret Hanson, Melissa Smith, Kristin Allington, Virginia Elizondo, Nadia Ali, Marisol Sauceda, Jefra Rees, Lisa Anderson, Sandra Spencer, Rebecca Jackson, Darelene Cluff, Tonia Kelm, Danielle Krause ...and on, and on, and on... there's a lot of reason to hope.

So, I'll press forward, searching for my perfect brightness of hope...