64 days ago I stopped going to the gym. 64 days ago, COVID-19 caused people to start sheltering in pace in the Austin area. 64 days ago I though in 6-8 weeks life would start feeling normal again. Well, 64 days later, bars have opened up on Austin's famous 6th street, the gym is open again, and I could go eat at Chuys if I wanted to, but all at weirdly reduced capacity and with masks encouraged. I'm choosing to wait a few weeks and see how this "reopening" goes before I start doing more then grocery shopping, Lowe's (green therapy is saving me), and go-to from my favorite places to eat. I'm still working, which means if I am careless, I can expose patient's who trust me to take precautions as I enter the homes of the homebound. 64 days later life certainly does not feel normal. I long to hug all my church friends. I wish I could go worship in the temple.
About 2 weeks ago I hit my 2nd emotional breaking point. The first one took place at the end of my first week wearing double masks to work. It was, and still mostly is, emotionally jarring to look at myself in the mirror and shudder seeing myself in a mask. We communicate so much with our whole faces. Sure, we can "smile" with our eyes, but at the same time, that's just something we tell ourselves to feel better. Our faces light up with smiles. It was also really hard that first week to not know really how much risk I was to my patient's when I visited them, or how much at risk I was. My fervent prayer every morning was, "please help me keep my patient's safe, and to keep myself safe". Since those first few weeks I haven't felt fearful of what COVID-19 could do to me. I'm not saying I'm invincible, but I just found a way to prayerfully go forward with the attitude of, "I can just do the best that I can". Still, it was emotionally exhausting. Even though my visit load at work dramatically decreased, less visits still felt like a lot because there was so much more responsibility that came with it. There have been days when I envy those in a more truer lockdown, home all day, posting on social media about being in PJs and not knowing when they last showered. Well 2 weeks ago, I hit another emotional wall. I had been emotionally preparing for 6-8 weeks of crazy, and here we were approaching 6-8 weeks and the country seems more divided then ever, no end in sight, and no real solutions other then "stay home". It was all so hard to bear. Fear was creeping back in, and the world started to look hopeless.
And just as if it was divinely timed, my study in the Book of Mormon of Mosiah chapters 18-24 began. Here I found words for my prayers again. Here I found encouragement to shut out fear.
And just as if it was divinely timed, my study in the Book of Mormon of Mosiah chapters 18-24 began. Here I found words for my prayers again. Here I found encouragement to shut out fear. There are two main groups of people in these chapters. First you have the people of Limhi who had terrible leaders, and when those terrible leaders fled because their city was being attacked, they ended up being in captivity of another group of people (the Lamanites) who tax them to death. They were humbled and turn to God.
"15 And now the Lord was slow to hear their cry because of their iniquities; nevertheless the Lord did hear their cries, and began to soften the hearts of the Lamanites that they began to ease their burdens; yet the Lord did not see fit to deliver them out of bondage.
16 And it came to pass that they began to prosper by degrees in the land, and began to raise grain more abundantly, and flocks, and herds, that they did not suffer with hunger."
The phrase that stuck out to me is that the "Lord did hear their cries " and their burdens were eased, even though they were not immediately delivered from bondage.
The second group is the people lead by Alma (related to the Limhi group). This group of people converted to righteousness after believing the words of a prophet. They were baptized and fled from the wicked leaders who wanted to kill them. Unfortunately they were also caught into bondage the Lamanites and were almost wiped out.
Mosiah 23-
27 But Alma went forth and stood among them, and exhorted them that they should not be frightened, but that they should remember the Lord their God and he would deliver them.
28 Therefore they hushed their fears, and began to cry unto the Lord that he would soften the hearts of the Lamanites, that they would spare them, and their wives, and their children.
29 And it came to pass that the Lord did soften the hearts of the Lamanites.
They were counseled to remember God, and then the hushed their fears. It doesn't say that God hushed or took away their fear, but rather they had to hush their fears, and then cried to the Lord to deliver them.
I saw this as an analogy to the pandemic. I started to pray again for deliverance from bondage of the pandemic, and while waiting for that deliverance, asked God that my burdens, and the burdens of my family (some members dealing with anxiety and depression) would be made light. I also had to hush my fears.
As I've continued to pray for deliverance from the bondage of the pandemic, and tried to hush my fears, I have seen my burdens be lighter.
I hush my fears by finding ways to serve. I do that by baking homemade zucchini bread (from home grown zucchini in my garden) and taking to to various patients and neighbors of mine.
I hush my fears by hushing others fears. My niece and nephew started to express sadness over the "stupid coronavirus", so they got a group sleep over and one-on-one play dates with me. How can your burdens not be light with these super cool little humans?
My burdens were made light by having a friend mail me a mask she made out of material that reminded her of my blog title, "Bloom Where You Are Planted".
My burden was made light by realizing what a beautiful and long Spring we had in Austin, Texas. We really had some great weather. (Stark contrast to how it has felt the past few days, the humidity showed up!)
My burden is made light by making time to exercise at home, even after a long exhausting day. Thank goodness for Les Mills On Demand!
My burden is made light be serving my family.
Life may very well not be "normal" for a few years. It's heartbreaking and hard, but I will keeping praying for deliverance, and while in bondage of the pandemic, God will lighten our burdens.
